So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
