dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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