My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
