This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
