My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
