oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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