Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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