he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
