i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
