Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
