I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
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just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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