I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
