Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
