My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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