I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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