a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
