I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
