I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
