I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
