my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
