I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
