I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
