life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
