My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
