We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
