I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
