Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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