Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
