the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
