So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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