I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
