Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
