i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
