So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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