and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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