WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
