I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
