Pappa wants mamma naked
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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