Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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