Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
