He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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