Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
