I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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