apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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