He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
