when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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