True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
