The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
