peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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