we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
