You just made me feel so damn special
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
