I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize