so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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