a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
