so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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