just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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