if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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