Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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