just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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