Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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