Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
