i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
