My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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