only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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