i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
